I have been rather confused yesterday and today. About my project, but also about life in general. The feeling that the world and life are too complex to understand is well known to me. I don´t know what I could write about my confusion about life that makes any sense to the readers, so let´s talk about my project. (Clever readers have already guessed that this project is my way to get grip on my life in general. Keep it a secret, I don´t like seeing myself as a control freak. So the project is a kind of metaphor for my life in general, now that I think about it. Talking about the project is also talking about life in general…)
The original idea of my project was experiencing success, two days ago I changed the focus to satisfaction and actually I have been thinking for a while already that I should maybe focus on preventing expectations to rise. Probably the project is about all of those…
What do I mean by preventing expectations? I first need to explain about my double strategy. I don´t know how other people´s head is working, maybe similar to what I will describe or maybe completely different. Would be interesting to know. Anyway I experience this double strategy as a burdensome fact.
When I get an idea, my mind is responding in two ways. The first response is thinking what a marvelous idea I got, how brilliant I will be at realizing it and how grateful the world is going to be to me. Dreaming too big, I call it. The second response is that I will never be able to realize it. That is the part I already talked about, it is the fear of failure influencing me. I am not sure which response I grew to fear the most. I think the first one. It is clear that it is the fear for the first response that makes me want to concentrate on preventing expectations. When dreaming too big, I build very high expectations. I expect too much from myself, but I also expect a lot from the others. Support from my partner and close friends, enthusiasm from all people I know, crowds of clients fighting to be the first ones to be able to undergo the benefits of my idea… And then, surprise surprise, the idea does not get realized. I try (sometimes hard and full of energy, sometimes more shy and realistic) but it does not work out. The second response, that had been trying to tell me from the start already that I would not be able to do it, is growing stronger and stronger. You see, I told you!
I decided to get out of that vicious circle of trying and failing. That is the main idea behind the project: creating only actions that are bound to succeed. Small steps, no dreaming too big. Action fields that are not related to possible professional activities, only to my own development. Low expectations. Activities that will succeed however they turn out; they can not fail.
Writing this blog is also part of this project of course. Regarding preventing expectations this is the most tricky field of action. The wish of making money by writing has been active for years already. So this is the one field where I actively need to take my expectations down all the time. I need to keep reminding myself: I am writing this blog ONLY because I feel I want to share about what this project does to me. I am not expecting people to like it, I am not dreaming of somebody turning up and telling me how wonderful I am and could I please come and write for them, they will pay me a monstrous amount of money because I am so good. This is such a good exercise. A difficult one, but very good. This is a start, I know that, but I do not know where the road is leading me. That is how I get back to the title of the blog: let your intuition flow. Just follow the road without trying to build the road.