I decided not to mention my name in this blog, although I do not necessarily want to be anonymous. You can find me on the pictures in this blog, and most people reading this probably know me personally or are linked to me in some way or the other. Not mentioning my name somehow gives me the feeling of more freedom and possibilities.
How do I describe myself? Complete freedom also here. I can create my own story on this page. I can tell whatever details I like people to know about me, and I can hide whatever details I wish people would not know. Just like I split my blog up in project posts (the facts I like to show off with) and feeling posts (the facts that are mostly hidden), I try to give you a split up version of my description.
The sunny side
I am an active woman in her early forties. Nine years ago I moved from my home country Belgium to Finland with my Belgian husband and two sons, the youngest still in my belly. I had the wonderful opportunity to stay home with the baby for the first two and a half years. I have been able to develop myself in many ways during the past years: yoga, energy healing, butoh, therapeutic dance, shiatsu… After many years of family life, during which I also learned to communicate in Finnish, I am now starting up a new professional career. Back in Belgium in have worked successfully in a consultancy firm in the field of ecology. Currently I am orientating myself in the field of well being.
The shadow side
My mother likes to use the term “coming from a good nest”. She thinks it is important in life whether you come from a good nest or not. She is right about that. Her only mistake is that she thinks her kids come from a good nest. To make it clear: I do not feel like being raised in a good nest. I will not explain more, as there is no short and simple explanation about what was wrong in our nest. If I try to explain, I risk to be misunderstood, to be seen as a person who exaggerates. I also do not feel obliged to explain: I experienced my childhood the way I did, that is the only thing that matters, that is what I have to live with.
My mother managed to convince outsiders that we had a good nest. It is hard to experience life differently than the world thinks you experience it. I always felt I had no reason to complain, no reason to be the fucked up person I am deep inside. So I have built a strong outer person, to make sure the weak person inside will not be seen. To survive.
When our first child was still very young, I have been home for one year with a depression. Afterwards I managed to convince my husband that we could have a second child without getting depressed again. When we moved to Finland, I felt happy to get away from the stress of working life. In my job I always had the feeling I was not good enough, although I always got positive feedback.
Life in Finland has been good, but being a full time mother was not so easy for me. I was craving for more space and time for myself. When I was finally studying again and got hope to find a new professional career someday, one day my life changed completely. A life threatening disease was diagnosed in our youngest son. I stayed home to take care of him for two and a half years. About one and a half year ago we became a normal, healthy family again.
I have felt ruined inside all of my life. I know I am not broken, I know deep down I am as whole as a new born baby. But I am still struggling to really feel like that. I have been visiting psychotherapists in several “waves” from my twenties until now and tried out a variety of body and mind related therapies. A lot of progress has been made and I am very happy about that. Still I am here, writing this blog instead of having a proper job. My inner demons make it impossible for me to even start thinking about looking for a job. Some days I hate being home without a job, some days I love it, some days I feel okay about it.